Episode 1 - Introducing OfQuack
Good morning, and welcome to the first electic radio transmission of OfQuack, the Government's watchdog for Quack Medicine. If it's quackery, we'll certify it for you.
First, a word about registration targets. Some people have been saying that we have been revising our original 10,000 quack target. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of our 4000 slots will be filled by the end of the year, and with regard to finance, all 2000 registration fees will be collected and accounted for. At £45 each, that £45000 will be used wisely, including a party for all registrants. There will be plenty of space, don't worry. We have booked a venue that will accommodate 500.
On another matter, we take our responsibility to the public very seriously. In order to ensure public safety, we have strict safety standards, rigorously enforced. If you have £45, you're safe enough for us - no exceptions. We also ensure that all our quacks are rigorously trained, so that the quackery the public recieves is top notch, class-A quackery.And now, the first of our regular themed slots: "Ask Dr Hanneman."
Ask Dr. Hanneman
Good evening. Velcome to my first qvestion and answer session. Mrs J from West Flaming in Surrey writes: "I have a recurring rash on my knees and elbows, with flaking and scaling. Topical creams don't seem to touch it. What should I do?"
Ze answer is simple. Drink a small amount of water.
Mr K from Cloying in the Wold asks: "My baby son has an elevated temperature and a persistent cough. What should I do?"
Again, ze answer is evident. Drink a small amount of water. Preferably, bash it against a book a few times first.
See you all again next time.
Great, officially-sanctioned advice from Dr Hanneman there. Thanks for the £45, by the way!
And now, a word from our Chairperson, Lady Anatidae Buckfast.
Live from Buckfast Hall
Since this is the first in our series of transmissions from Buckfast Hall, it is probably a good idea to start off with how OfQuack came about and what we do here.
The original idea for OfQuack was the idea of a wealthy benefactor. He has asked to be anonymous, which we will of course respect. Anyway, he came to me and asked how he might help the cause of Quackery and nice biscuits, and I said to him "Your Royal Highness, we won't get anywhere unless Mr Brown and his ghastly government give us some help". And in a jiffy, he'd pulled a few strings and here we were.
Our initial meeting was called to determine, as one of our more vulgar modern members put it "What's hot and what's not". We decided that to make that kind of decision would require us to look at "evidence" [shudder] so we resolved immediately to apply no tests for entry other than the obvious financial ones.
Now our meetings are obviously of great public interest, and OfQuack takes its commitment to openness very seriously, especially since Nigel actually wrote it up in our charter and no-one noticed until it was too late.
So, thanks to that little oversight, we will now have to allow oversight of our meetings. Anyone wishing to attend may do so, providing either of the reserved seats are available, and they must of course pass appropriate vetting.
We don't want just anyone wandering through like some public library, expecting a warm room, eating our nice selection of Dodgy Originals Organic Quince biscuits and expecting rigorous standards of evidence, now do we?
So, if you want to come along and see how we operate, just pop your name and address in the post to us, along with a signed statement of allegiance to the principles of OfQuack, and we'll call you.
The office address is 4, Organic Gardens, Pokeit-on-Sea, SUSSEX, OQ1 OMG. Please do not send correspondence to Buckfast Hall directly, as the dogs tend to get at it and it makes the most frightful mess of the postman.
Thank you, Lady Buckfast.
And now, a special report from our correspondent in the colonies, Mr Gervais Freiberger.
Letter from Hollywood
Hi! Hello everyone in little old England! I'm so excited to be involved with proper olde worlde Quackery, and official stuff too - none of that nonsense with Tom Cruise or Jenny McCarthy for you!
Anyway, I'll be dropping in from time to time to tell you all the gossip straight from the world of Hollywood. After all, as the old saying goes, when America sneezes, England reaches for the Zircam!
We don't have an OfQuack over here, but I guess in some parts of LA the gangs off a few quacks now and then. Geddit? Gang humour, I love it.
Anyway, we don't have any kind of official oversight over here - and it's a nightmare! Nightmare, I tell you! Just anyone can dangle a crystal over your chakras and there's no comebacks.
I'm so glad to hear that OfQuack's off the ground over there and making sure that Quackery in limey-land is safe and... what... oh. Well, that it's effectiv... oh. OK. Well, nice to hear from you anyway.
Say "Hi" to the BCA for me! If I can say that on the radio!
Well, that just about wraps it up for our mini pilot episode of the OfQuack podcast, as the cylinder is just winding down. We hope that you will join us next time for more adventures in quackery.
And remember, if it's Quackery, OfQuack will certify it for £45.
The OfQuack podcast was brought to you by OfQuack, in association with Dodgy Originals and the British Organization for Understanding of the Spine.
Music was "Last Dance" by Oleg Galkin