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Episode 3 - Live Christmas Address from Buckfast Hall


Intro Music


Good morning, and welcome to the third electic radio transmission of OfQuack, the Government's watchdog for Quack Medicine. If it's quackery, we'll certify it for you.

Today we have a very special Christmas address from Lady Anatidae Buckfast, live from Buckfast Hall.

Live Christmas Address from Buckfast Hall

Greetings from Buckfast Hall.

At this time of year, it is good to reflect on our place in the world and how we fit into it.

It has been an eventful first year for us at OfQuack. In the spring, we formally launched our campaign to regulate quackery here in the UK. As you may remember, we proudly predicted the achievement of 10,000 quacks registered by the end of the year, and today we proudly announce that we have only just failed to meet that target. We have a small shortfall of just 8750 registrations, which we confidently predict will be made up by the end of January.

We have had a heartwarming amount of interest in our proceedings, and our commitment to openness means that we have answered every freedom-of-information request promptly and fully according to the minimum interpretation of our responsibilities.

We hoped to have a better takeup of observers for our proceedings, however. Although we have had several applications... what happened to them again, Nigel?

Ah, of course, I remember. The dogs ate them. We did warn everyone about writing to us directly here at the hall, after all. And we have volunteered Distance Healing support for the unfortunate postman.

Over the year, our researchers have done sterling work underpinning the foundations of Supplementary, Complementary and Alternative Medicine. In July, one of our researchers finally figured out the mechanisms behind homeopathy. All one has to do, apparently, is cross out mass in Einstein's equations, so that Steven Hawkings's string theory can be heard with one's eyes. We expect to scoop the Nobel prizes for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine and Economics for this insight.

We have also continued to show that double-blind clinical trials are inappropriate for testing of sCAM therapies. Every time our researchers apply a double-blind test, we find that it gives negative results - clear proof that they do not apply.

Our thought leadership continues to inspire. We are campaigning for new standards in clinical medicine, especially for our members. The existing standards are just too blinkered, obsessed as they are with evidence, safety and efficacy.

Our PR campaign in the hospice movement, with its award winning tagline "Meh, they'll be dead soon anyway", is gaining a lot of attention too.

Now, I must go and rescue the Hamper delivery man from the moat, so, to wrap up, we at OfQuack would like to wish you a merry Christmas and remond you of Prof. Cox's Ox Blocks Detox Box (four different soluble beef drinks cubes for just £134.95). We hope that your new year will be as safe, secure, prosperous, progressive and above all effective as ours will be.

Closing Music

The OfQuack podcast was brought to you by OfQuack, in association with Prof. Cox's Ox Blocks Detox Box, available now at all branches of Boots.

Music was "Last Dance" by Oleg Galkin